31 Influential Women – Woman In Travel

This last season wasn’t an easy one. And that’s an understatement. Walking along someone as they battle the hardest fight they’ve ever known, wears even the observer down. Watching a loved one lose the battle, is devastating.

When we heard the words “Stage 4” a year and a half ago, we thought “Fight, fight, fight, at all cost!” (Ani DiFranco) But six months ago, the day after Christmas, when she fell and couldn’t get off the ground, we knew the battlefield had changed. Almost every weekend after, I prepared the kids for what they might see and drove the hour and a half to get to the hospital, rehab, or skilled nursing that she might be in that week. We’d hope we’d have some lucid conversation, maybe a laugh or too, paint her nails, and then set off back home.When she went home on Hospice, I could see she still didn’t believe this was her fate. She was grasping to keep her gloves on. I asked the nurse how much longer and she told me, “Come soon.” I declared “We are throwing Grandma a party!” And that’s just what we did. The family congregated around her hospital bed in the living room and although her eyes remained closed, I would give her a play by play of what was happening.

I had my children say their final goodbyes that night. They held her hand and thanked her for being such a great grandma to them. I was last, and as I laid my hands on her, I thanked her for loving my children so fiercely. She began to gargle, the first attempt of the evening to communicate. It was the best gift she could give me. She was gone four days later.

The preschool she taught at for over 20 years put on a Memorial Service for her two weeks later. They had Hawaiian dancers and kids running around, just as Grandma Linda would have wanted it. We were lei’d with flowers that smelled of the Islands and had food she would have eaten if she had taken one more trip back to her favorite place liked she dreamed of.

To say goodbye, or perhaps hello, we released butterflies. I’ve never been someone to look for others in symbolic gestures but I can tell you that every butterfly I see now makes me smile. I thank her. I wink. I appreciate the time I had with her.

Cancer sucks. Counting down the days until it is the end, is awful. I may have done things differently than she chose to do, but I can’t fault her for not fighting. She fought with everything she had.

We still have the graveside burial to do. It’s been almost two months now and I don’t see anyone pushing to make it happen in the scorching summer heat. Maybe in Fall, the season she enjoyed so much when she lived in Virginia, we will do it. I have a vial of her as well that I have vowed to take to Hawaii some day so she can go back to her favorite place. Until then, I have butterflies.

And with that, I add Linda Murray, my mother-in-law to my list of 31 Influential Women in my life, posthumously. We may have not always seen eye to eye, but anyone who advocates for my children the way she did, will always garner my respect.

In honor of Mother’s Day, I am inspired to begin a series called 31 Influential Women in My Life. (Mind you, not 31 days in a row; this may take me a year to get these 31 days out, but that’s ok. Grace.)

For some of you, it may seem an obvious pick to select my own mother for a list of influential women in my life. But unfortunately, more than not, I have met adult women who do not have a close relationship with their own mom. And even more sadly, are the women who have toxic relationships with the woman who gave birth to them. When the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally does not or cannot show her child love, I don’t know how one recovers from that. How do you turn to your own daughter and try to love her if you’ve never experienced unconditional love yourself?

My mother and I (bottom) and myself as a new mother (top).

But that’s not my story. My mom is special. When she looks at me, I know I am (along with my sister) the most treasured jewel she has. Toni Morrison once said on Oprah that she learned her face should light up every time her children walk into the room, so they know, they know and feel, how loved they are. My mom’s face lights up every. Single. Time.

My mother is sunshine and a tiger all in one. You might think those two things don’t go together, but they do. Light emotes from my mother. When you are in her presence, rainbows and unicorns may appear. Beware: you will find yourself telling her your entire life story before you are cognizant of what you are doing. My mother loves a good story, and she believes YOUR story is just as important as any story she has ever heard. YOU are important to my mother. And although growing up, I was often annoyed with having to wait in the car while woman after woman told my mother their story, I intrinsically realized in those moments that women need other women for community, for support, for life. My mother taught me to be a good friend, to be a good woman to other women. Now I call myself a storyteller and that is in thanks to the many stories I heard sitting at the feet of my mother as she drew out a story needed to be told.

My mother’s belly burns with fire. She is the definition of an advocate. You want her on your side. When she is passionate about something, she can move mountains. I have seen it. Although her life long career was a nurse, she could have just as easily been a lawyer or counselor.

I have lived away from my mother for 20 years now. It seems an unfair fate to have us separated for so long. We treasure the visits we do have, filling them with new memories while reminiscing of old beauties. I see her mischievous look in my son and her effervescent joy in my daughter. So in essence, I have her with me every day.

To say she influenced me is an understatement; my mom shaped me. I rise up and call her blessed. And call myself blessed to be her daughter.

Category: 31 Influential Women

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31 Top Influential Women in My Life: My Mom Bonnie