I began 2015 with a strong word: TRUST. I thought it was a word that gave up control. I thought it was a word that would encompass the changes that I foresaw were coming. I was convinced that if I just trusted God, the universe, the “plan,” anything ENOUGH, it would all work out; things would fall into place the way they were supposed to.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on which way you look at it), I still had my greedy little hand wrapped around any control I could find, thus voiding any trust I thought I was putting out there. I took a word that I thought I could “throw at the feet of Jesus” (please excuse the Christianese), and leave there. I found myself in the muck still trying to duck dive for any hidden control.
My word needed to evolve…
I would not be exaggerating to say this has been the most hellish year of my 40 years here on earth. Wish I was being dramatic, but without divulging my dirty laundry of a life, this year made me want to run. Run far, far away. So my word merged into WAIT. Exactly what I did NOT want to do. But I didn’t have a better plan and surely, with waiting, I would not try to retain any more control. Yes, to wait is still being active, exercising patience, but it’s docile at the same time. I had no “right” direction to go, so all I could do was wait. But it was still about ME, me waiting, me putting in the self-restraint to wait. Me…controlling.
I didn’t go. Well, I haven’t left.
But then wait merged into SURRENDER.
I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.
That’s the song I heard the day I found my new word. There’s nothing after surrender. There’s no control in it. There’s no chance of control. It’s throwing my arms up and proclaiming “Take it, cause I’ve got nothing.” Complete surrender, ironically, brings complete peace, because the lack of control is refreshing. I thought it’d be scary; it’s liberating. It’s not on me anymore. If my life goes down this path: it’s okay. And if my life goes down the other path-that’s okay too.
A state of complete surrender is all God wants from us and it took me a year of brokenness to get there.
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